9 Seeds I Wish Someone Had Planted in My Mind When I Was in High School
Commencement Address Delivered at the Lincoln School
Providence, RI
© Terza Lima-Neves - All Rights Reserved
I know you’re probably nervous about the next phase of your life. To be honest, every time something new is happening, personally or professionally, I get anxious. So these moments of transition are real. I want to acknowledge that and affirm your feelings. Although you began your time together behind computer screens – from your bedrooms and living rooms - you came back to campus, bonded as a class, learned to work together and here you are!
I can speak for everyone when I say we’re so proud of you. You have managed to get here in the most trying of times. You’ve endured a pandemic - a period that transformed your physical, emotional, and mental capacities not to mention everything that was happening in the world – some of us lost family members and friends, we witnessed racial and social violence, and so much more. During times like this, I am constantly reminded of Dr. Maya Angelou’s words, “We may not control all the events that happen to us, but we can decide not to be reduced by them.”
Graduation speeches are often filled with advice, telling graduates to go out and change the world. Considering that we are slowly entering the post-pandemic era, I want to add nuance to that idea by asking you to consider whether or not you’re mentally and physically prepared to change the world, and if that’s what you want to do in the first place. I want to challenge you to give serious thought to what it means to change the world and to what capacity. When I think about communities that have been historically marginalized, such as Black and brown folks, Queer folks, folks with exceptional physical and mental abilities, for example - if you’re a member of any of these communities, I ask that you think about how much labor and how much of yourself you’re willing to give a world that hasn’t always been kind to you or recognized your full humanity.
You don’t have to do it all. Give yourself permission to stop and decide what your life will look like. Does it mean becoming the first brain surgeon in your family? A United States Congressperson or CEO? Continuing in the footsteps of the family business? Or maybe you want to be a content creator or community organizer? How about if you just want to be happy and live good for a living? Okay, Families - I know what you’re thinking: who’s going to pay for this happy, living good for a living lifestyle? I get it y’all! As my grandmother always says, “money is expensive these days!”
But seriously, whatever you choose, make sure you think about your why -why are you choosing this particular career or job? How will it make you feel when you get up in the morning and go to bed? How much energy will it require? And how will it impact other people’s lives?
Your generation and the previous one have so beautifully taught us that we don’t have to do all the things. We don’t have to dream about work and constantly try to figure out what is the next move in our professional lives. Some of y’all have taught us that seeking rest, and finding happiness and joy with those we care about are as equally as important to live a good life. In a recent episode of his podcast, South African comedian Trevor Noah said, “We spend a lot of time doing and not enough time being.” These, my friends, are some lessons I think came out of a pandemic period that turned our lives upside down and forced us to slow down a bit.
I want to focus on you as an individual within a community and the way you practice self-care. And I’m not just talking about getting a mani-pedi, massage, and instagrammable vacay. What I’m talking about is your well-being because you’ve been through a lot in the last few years. I’m not going to give you a recipe for success because that’s a personal decision based on your goals and values. What I will tell you is that when Pulitzer Prize winner and activist, Alice Walker was asked to define success, she said, “True success is about being happy and having joy in your life.”
Consider taking care of yourself - mentally, physically and emotionally. When you intentionally care for yourself - other parts of your life fall into place. What does this look like? You have many choices and I am pretty sure you’re already doing it. Move your body, dance, sing out loud, therapy, connect with nature, meditate, get a pet, lay on your bed.
You asked me to share with you what I wish someone had told me when I was about to graduate high school. So, I want to share with you 9 seeds I wish someone had planted in my head, way back, when I was sitting exactly where you are today. I know you’re thinking why 9 and not 10? I don’t have 10. I couldn’t come up with 10 and I certainly didn’t want to round it up just for the sake of having 10. I have 9 things because that’s my business.
So here it goes!
1. You’re not going to get everything that you want every single time even when you work really hard for it. What some people call failures – I call lessons because we need to get clear about who we are and what we value. During my senior year at Lincoln I was devastated because I knew I wasn’t going to college right away. My immigration status would not allow me to get financial aid. My parents, who were factory workers couldn’t afford paying for my education. So I was wondering why I came to this country if I couldn’t continue my education. After all, that was the main reason my parents brought my sisters and I here. Although I was happy for them, watching my classmates celebrate college admission was painful. I felt inferior - like I had failed. But in the Spring, some folks from a new public service program called City Year, came to Lincoln to tell us about their work and how they empower 18-25 years old through a year of community service. I applied and was accepted. I spent my post-graduation year working in Pawtucket, Providence and Central Falls with students at an elementary school, helping local organizations with community organizing, revitalizing a building for the Cape Verdean community which is now the only cultural center owned by Cape Verdeans outside of our homeland and countless other projects that have shaped my life.
My 89 year old grandma always tells me, “Everything happens exactly the way it’s supposed to.” she’s never been wrong. Mãe has been giving me great advice all my life. Although I didn’t know it at the time, not being able to go to college immediately after high school was exactly what was needed to help me be clear about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life - to serve my community. That was the lesson I learned in City Year.
When you feel like you’ve failed or better yet, when things don’t happen in the exact order you envision, it can be because it isn’t supposed to be part of your journey or you’re going to get another experience that will help you gain clarity about your life. So when you don’t get that job, internship, or that person doesn’t like you back, it’s okay to feel all the things. Just know that it’s the universe’s way of telling you that that opportunity is not supposed to be part of your journey or maybe it will happen later. I know this is easier said than done but try your best to be reminded that nothing happens by chance and that wherever you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be. One of the things I do is write these kinds of reminders on sticky notes and put them where I can see them on a daily basis.
2. Be mindful of the people who take up space in your life. This is your tribe. They reflect who you are, who you want to be, how you want to live. They are also the people who will care for you and pour into you when you most need it. I met Samrana Malik our junior year at Lincoln. She became my sister and we were basically attached at the hip. When my mom was sick while I was in graduate school in Atlanta, Sam would come over to help run errands and 11 years after our graduation, I had my wedding reception at her parents’ home. These days we spend a lot of time, sending each other unfinished song lyrics via text message, hoping the other remembers that special 90s RnB song we used to vibe to at the club or in her car on our way to the club. I have a strong feeling that just like Sam and I, members of your current and future tribe are sitting next to you today.
3. Be kind to yourself and love on yourself. The one and only, King Beyonce said, “the world will see you the way you see you and treat you the way you treat yourself.” In your lifetime you will encounter people who aren’t very kind and will try to put you down - telling you things that will have you doubting yourself, your decisions, and your self-worth. Having a consistently kind and loving inner voice will remind you that your worth comes from within. So be kind to yourself, think highly of yourself, and love on yourself.
4. No is a complete sentence. I know this will take time to practice but start early and learn to say NO. You don’t have to be part of all the campus organizations, you certainly don’t have to volunteer for everything at that new job. Pace yourself so you don’t burn out. Set them boundaries early on. The world won’t fall apart just because you said no.
5. Be responsible, be safe but also live your best life. Take that nap, dance to that song, play that prank, wear that colorful outfit, go on that trip, laugh out loud, and don’t be scared to go after that opportunity - or maybe let it go.
6. During one of her speeches at Harvard, Poet Audre Lorde said, “If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” To this point, the number 6th seed I wish someone had planted in my mind back in 1995 is What other people think of you is none of your business. Let them be wrong about you. Let them hate from over there. You don’t have to correct them. You don’t have to explain or defend yourself. Because in the grand scheme of things, years from now, way down the line, it won’t matter. Them folks won’t matter.
7. Compare yourself to no one. The grass ain’t always greener over there. And be especially weary of the perfectly curated lives you see on Insta or Tik Tok. Don’t believe the hype. Folks be lying.
8. Show up as your true self, and take up space. Make no apologies.
I hope you’re noticing where I am going with my message. As you enter college this fall or the workforce, or take a gap year like I did, or whichever next fabulous phase of your life you’re going off to - I am asking you to give yourself permission to choose you, to prioritize your feelings, to get clear about who you are and want to be - to listen to your voice and also let your voice be heard. To love on yourself, to intentionally choose your tribe but also be a good friend.
Class of 2024: I leave you with number 9 which is really the most important seed I wish had been planted in my mind when I was exactly where you are today –
You’re always enough. Every day. Every time. Every instance.
Congratulations
